Part of my job as a pastor is doing pre-marital counseling. It is a privilege to get to know the couples in such an in-depth way. I also feel that my participation in the process does make a difference in the couple's life. There are, however, challenges that many young couples face.
The tension between 2 Cultures
The church that I am currently serving is an international church. It means that there are people coming from all over the world. As we all know, inter-cultural marriages have unique challenges due to their cultural differences. For example, recently my friend from Europe married a Chinese lady from Hong Kong. It is easy to understand if there are cultural adjustments or even clashes within the marriage.
I still remember counselling a man from mainland China marrying a Caucasian lady from the States. It was obvious to me that the woman had a much tougher time adjusting to a more "traditional" culture. However, the good thing was that both were very aware of their cultural differences. This awareness made it easier to talk through difficult issues. They were both trying their best to fulfill expectations from the other culture.
What was unexpected to me was how much effort I have to spend to counsel two persons who are both Chinese but growing up in different cultures. A very memorable example was "a Chinese couple from the States."
We started the pre-marital counselling session assuming a North American norm. However, we soon realized that such an assumption did not work. The reason? The guy was born and raised in the States. The gal grew up in Taiwan but went to the States for college and worked there for some time. To the end, we all agreed that the situation involved was actually an American (with some Chinese heritage) marrying a Taiwanese (with some American experience). Once we were willing to accept such labels, the discussion became a lot easier as we were able to apply different categories of meanings.
The tension between 2 Generations
A more subtle problem comes from the cultural conflicts between the parents (typically Chinese) and the young couple (Chinese, but with strong Western influence). Many of these young couples have spent years overseas and adopted values and lifestyle choices that are typical of Western society. Most of these tensions are nothing more than the consequences of honest ignorance.
For instance, a young man from HK grew up in Europe, met his Caucasian wife from the States, worked in HK, and wanted to get married here. In the wedding rehearsal, the father of the groom suddenly realized that he was not the one signing the marriage certificate. The groom has invited two of his friends to be the witnesses and thus signing the paper. Even the blind can see (a Cantonese slang) how the father's face changed. It was as dark as a wok.
I was told that what the groom did was not uncommon in Western culture. However, in my culture, to put it just mildly, it is nothing less than a treason, an open insult to the dignity of the father who is still alive. However, the son was probably thinking, "isn't it my wedding? Am I not allowed to do what I want with my wedding ceremony and my marriage?"
Well, this is exactly the problem. In our culture, yes, the son is "taking in" a wife. BUT, from the family perspective, it is "The Chan's family taking in a daughter in law" (娶媳婦). In short, it is NOT just YOUR wedding, it is "OUR" wedding.
There is another story that moved me to tears (in a good way).
The soon-to-be-wife told me that her father has acted strangely (stubbornly) recently. He insisted on some Chinese ceremony that was not at all important. This gal and her fiancé didn't want to do it not because of any religious reason, but because of convenience. As we talked, it suddenly dawns on her that her father has been such a loving father that he was actually going through a "grieving process" -- "grieving" over the "lost" of his most precious daughter. This stupid tinny little unimportant ceremony is nothing more than the father's desire to "officially" send her daughter away in that big day. This gal went back home, talked to her father, and the young couple happily did what the father wanted.
The tension between 2 Cultures
The most difficult time comes when the parents insisted on their way. In one case the groom's parents threatened not to show up at the wedding unless their son followed every single ceremony they prescribed. The mother was also very upset when the son bought the wedding ring without her consent. Well, their son was not 15 years old. He was actually double that age. All through the time, I was wondering, "Whose wedding is it?" Is it the son's wedding? or is it the mom's wedding?
Another problem comes when the non-believer parents prescribe ceremonies that have folk religion elements. The Christian young couple often has a hard time negotiating what to do and what not to do.
So, what should we do?
From what I observed in those couples that I have the privilege of working with, the most powerful strategy is to "take time to communicate," both horizontally within the couple and vertically between the couple and the parents. Sometimes it takes a long time to make it work. Sometimes it takes great effort to communicate and to generate agreement. It is not guaranteed, but it is promising.
Secondly, there are times when setting a boundary helps. There are times when honoring your parents means that you need to do what is right. In the bulk majority of cases, when the parents are convinced that they will be honored in the wedding, they will be fine in letting their "kids who don't know anything" decide on the details. When this is the case, it is best for the husband-to-be to make the decision, and then both of them say "We made the decision ..."
Note: This post was originally published on 2016 October 30th. See the original post here.